At the end of a night of high-drama, Australian Jo 'Bundy' Rasmussen was crowned 2006 Office Pub Austrian Conkers Champion. In beating Peter 'The Pikey' Clancy in the final, Jo became the second girl to win the Championship, receiving her trophy from the inaugural winner, Martina, to rapturous applause.

After a laborious few hours drilling, knotting and stringing the nuts, twelve contestants registered for the Championship. The first round comprised three groups of four, each player playing each other once to decide who would advance to the second stage: the top two went through. Group A, headed by Martina, also contained Klara, Jo and Peter. Group B was a strictly family affair, with German Scouse, Bernie, joined by his Liverpudlian wife, Yvonne, and her visiting parents Jean and Bill. Group C was fronted by 2005 semi-finalist Elke, who would compete with husband Tim, Stefan and perennial Chav host, Dom.

The first match saw reigning champ, Martina, take on debutant Klara in a dour affair, which Martina won. Matches then began in earnest all over the pub, accompanied by not a few looks of incredularity from non-nut-swinging guests. Peter was the man in form, winning all of his matches in good style, including a Stampsies against Jo. However, the Aussie was not to be distracted, and she went on to secure victories against Martina and a luckless and pointless, Klara, who learned some grim lessons about competing at this level. Martina’s victory in the first game was the last she would manage this year; the 2005 Queen of Conkers was to be eliminated after the first round. Peter and Jo were through to the next round.

Bernie’s group soon got into their stride. Bill, in particular, swung some accurate conkers and forced numerous windmills, but was unlucky to lose his first two matches. It was Bernie who showed the best form, winning all his fixtures to top the group. Yvonne was beaten by her mum but beat her dad, and Bill deservedly got a point in winning the matrimonial battle with his wife, Jean. Problem: three players with a single victory. It was left to Bernie to decide who, in his opinion, was the best player and who would advance. On family grounds he bottled out. By group consensus and owing to his aggressive style of play, Bill went forward into round 2.

Elke took on Dom in the first match of Group C and it was the northern Chav who turned it on to take the point. Stefan then beat Tim but was beaten by Elke. With Tim beating Dom, every player had one point from two games and it was all on the last two battles. In the tightest of the groups, Dom beat Stefan to partly avenge his loss to the same player in the Sunday League Darts Grand Final. Tim beat Elke in the second of the night’s Married Matches, and both Englishmen went through.

The second round comprised two groups of three, the winners of each group to contest the best-of-three final. Sadly there were no Austrians through to the second round, a clear disappointment for the increasingly bemused crowd. The first group contained Dom, Jo and the as-yet-but-soon-not-to-be undefeated Bernie. Dom beat Bernie and Jo beat Dom leaving us with the possibility of all three players ending equal. However, there followed what proved to be the most bizarre moment in a night of many. Bernie, thinking he had dislodged Jo’s conker, duly shouted stampsies and brutally cruched the fallen horse-chestnut underfoot. Sadly for him it was his own weapon that had fallen and he had destroyed his chances of a spot in the final. That spot went to a delighted Jo.

The second group was an all male affair between the unbeaten Peter, Bill and Tim. Bill continued his run of bad luck and was beaten by Peter in the opening group fixture. Peter then took on Tim, both players in possession of ‘3ers’, conkers that had survived two previous battles. With such a clash of titan conkers, something had to give, specifically Tim’s orb, which was sent to the Great Horse-Chestnut in the sky. With two straight victories, Peter was through to the final, was still unbeaten, and was in possession of a ‘7er’, the most powerful conker in Office history. A daunting task awaited Jo in the final.

Following the ceremonial pomp demanded by such a prestigious sporting event and delivered with aplomb by Master-of-Ceremonies Dom, we were underway. Jo won the opening paper-scissors-stone game to claim first hit (a game that Elke had somewhat randomly added ‘well’ to earlier in the day). Both players looked determined, particularly ‘The Pikey’, whose facial expressions suggested he was expecting the final to deteriorate into a bare-knuckle affair. The Irishman took the first round after severely damaging Jo’s nut with stampsies, to retain his incredible unbeaten record. Peter made the decision to continue with his now ‘8er’. Would Jo fold? Would she bollocks. The Australian showed typical antipodean grit and determination (somewhat lacking from her countryman’s cricket side in the 2005 Ashes, which, incidentally, they lost to England). After a crack soon appeared in Peter’s King Conker, Jo pounced and forced the decider. As is the convention, Jo’s new conker became a ‘9er’ and the new record holder.

The atmosphere in the pub was electric as, after a short break, the players began the last game of the Championship. The game kicked off with both players necking a small beer before battle commenced. The last game was nip and tuck, with both players conker’s showing increasing signs of damage. It could have gone either way, fitting after such a fabulous contest, but it was Jo ‘Bundy’ Rasmussen who held her nerve (and the new record holding ‘10er’) to take the title. Peter was devastated, now having been runner-up in both Conkers and Darts, but he took his defeat (moderately) well and congratulated the new champ who received her trophy from the outgoing champion, Martina.

We have now had two girls as winners and it will be up to the men to pull something big out of their trousers at next year’s event. Congratulations to Jo, the deserved winner. We hope she will handle the fame, fortune and everything else that goes with becoming The Office Pub Conkers Champion with the same gravity and respect afforded by Martina.

And that was it. Another legendary night. Thanks to all that took part, to Dom for hosting (again) and to the sizeable crowd who lent their support and encouragement so generously. The photos will be up soon.

Quotes of the day

“I couldn’t do this with my kids in England because it’s banned” - Yvonne
“What’s the age limit?” – Bernie
“It’s not quite hard enough” – Bill
“I’m not doing this for me, but for men everywhere” – Peter (prior to the deciding final game)
“Stampsies nearly destroyed me. Next year I’m wearing stilettos” – Jo
“I fookin’ luv it me” – Dom
“Can we go home now, I’m hungry?” - Elke

2005 - Graz Girl Claims Inaugural Title